The Clearing of a Mind

My mind has been in such a fog for the past 10 days or so. There was so much that happened and I couldn't wrap my senses around everything that had happened. There was so much of a problem coming to terms with Jamie's and Mary's deaths. Both were so young. Jamie was only 53 and Mary a mere 28.

I've been working hard at maintaining life ~ going to work, trying to stay focused, taking care of my family, exercising~ but everything has been so difficult. I move papers from position to position. I work on CPE and transfer quickly to reading forum posts or blogs. I have avoided the news and other depressing items. I haven't necessarily responded to emails from friends as I should and I just generally am surviving.

In my quest to exercise I have been determined to stay active. Mosey, my husband, left for a three day hike around Fontana Lake. This could be the perfect time for me to clear my thoughts, reconcile myself to God, and get life back on track. Yes, I know this could be quick, but when you have a full faith in the Lord, good common sense and and know that what you are feeling isn't necessarily right, you need to make tracks to get things straight.

So tracks I made. While at work I was trying to find reasons to avoid going for a hike. I mean work needed me, right? But my friend, Waterfall came over and checked on me. I told her that I was trying to complete things so as to go for a hike and being the friend that she is, she opened my eyes to the fact that work could wait. I needed to get out and go. So I finished a couple of emails, punched out and left the building!

Heading up the trail was difficult. My mind was so fuzzy. I had talked to my friend, Mike, yesterday and he encouraged me to go for the walk and talk. The first part of the walk was hard. My mind was every where but not where it needed to be. Finally I shook my head and said "Ok, God, I'm listening." But I really didn't listen - I just kept doing the same thing. I guess I was avoiding facing the real issues in my heart.

It was cold on the mountain, but I got overheated. I had to stop and take off my jacket. I guess the cooling allowed me to cool my mind as well. My mind opened up and I believe God helped me work through some of my pain.

Jamie and Mary were wonderful to me and I love both of them dearly. Their deaths have upset me greatly. Jamie's because of the connection he gave me to my entire life and that he is the only person that has known me from my birth and Mary because of the budding friendship that has been squelched by a drunk driver! I realize that the timing of their lives is not for me to decide and it only adds to the pain of others for me to suffer so. Jamie and Mary had a purpose on this earth as do I. I don't know what their purpose is, but now they may know mine. Jamie and Mary more than likely achieved their purpose even if the end results are not known by us. It could be years before their purpose comes to full fruition.

Jamie was a wonderful son, brother, husband, father and grandfather and especially a friend. He touched many lives and brought to awareness the pain of his cancer and the depth love can have. He taught many boys to play baseball and basketball and mentored many young men in the ways of a gentleman. He showed to others the love of his wife, was dedicated to our mother and showed support for me. He was my cheerleader, advisor, confidant, listener and friend. In just that he may have served his purpose, but I know he was like this for more than just me. Perhaps that was what he needed to do, but if it isn't, then maybe one day it will be revealed to me.

Mary defined the meaning of a woman. She was a gentle soul, yet tough in mind and spirit. Slight but strong, intelligent and compassionate. Mary knew how to survive in today's world. She applied herself fully to everything she attempted. She succeeded in the corporate world yet discovered true meaning in life's simple things. Computers didn't intimidate Mary but neither did gardening, crocheting, sewing, cooking or music. She knew her way around a business world, but relished getting in touch with nature. Mary listened when other's needed her ear and spoke with confidence on subjects she knew well. Mary always had a smile ready to give to everyone and lived life as we all should. If Mary was this way to me, for sure she was with others as well. And maybe that was her purpose. Again, if it wasn't it may come to light in the future.

But as I said, it is not for me to question the timing of everything. It is important for me to realize that these two very special people touched my lives in ways that no one else could. And I need to always remember them in a positive light.

Jamie and Mary gave to me so much of themselves. It would be my shame if I didn't find ways to make lasting tributes to these two people who loved me so well.

Thank you God for talking to me and helping to clear my mind. Let's talk more tomorrow, shall we?